thoughts of her.

And then she asked, “who do you think i am” 

One question, the question, and it renders me speechless

That is who you are, and then some

The raised hand to questions i have yet to ask

The answer no one knows until they see it 

What magic do you possess 

To be in all the places and none of them at the same time

You are more than you know and what you know is infinite 

Like love waiting to find its partner, you are unmatched

The hot flame that is unknowingly cool to touch 

The comma that reminds you to pause through the run on sentences dressed up as thoughts

You are the sky’s violin, depicting its beauty on the way it strikes your strings

You are nothing that i’ve mentioned, and all of what i’ve yet to say

That is who i think you are, and then some

session 3, once a young girl

Barbie dolls and hair bows
That’s what I dreamed it’d be
Instead innocence and security
Was ripped away from me
Young girl turned quick
Delicate skin forced thick

Hesitant to talk about it
No one else ever did
Shit like this should never happen to a kid
Where do I start
How do I begin
I trusted this guy
And maybe that’s why kids are such a target because who don’t we trust

On my back I lay still
Hoping my silent screams
Reached the ears of anyone willing to listen
Because this can’t be right
This can’t be the way I learn about love
This can’t be how I learn about intimacy

His pants have come down now
And his penis is exposed
I am one step closer to intimacy issues
I am one step closer to never fully trusting a man
I am one step closer to the misunderstood adult that I didn’t know I’d grow up to be
I am one step closer to the depression that leaves me in the same position I was in when this all took place
On my back, I lay still

Penetration came next
Is this considered sex
Am I supposed to be this scared
The sound of my suppressed tears must’ve been loud
Because I looked up and saw my mother standing there
The words “save me” fled from my closed lips
The pair on my face and between my legs

She had done her part
She showed up
Wiped her daughter from front to back
But there was no conversation
Just hesitation, hugs, tears, her breast cancer, and then her death
The first of many bags I’d learn to carry alone

Barbie dolls and hair bows
That’s what I dreamed it’d be
Instead innocence and security
Was ripped away from me
Young girl turned quick
Delicate skin forced thick

session two, the about me.

Clenching the arms of the chair I sat in, I worry the next name to be called will be mine.
Am I really ready to do this?
The door is opening. The fucking door is opening.
Is it to late to leave? I may be coming down with something.

I think I forgot to cut the stove off.
Shit, she called my name.
Where do I begin?
How do I accurately describe the being that is me?
I am a Gemini.
Maybe that’d be enough in searching for your soulmate, because I hear Gemini’s are a catch.

Sorry. I’m deflecting.
Coping mechanism.
No eye contact.
She just asked about me avoiding eye contact.
Which further makes me avoid eye contact.
See because the second our eyes meet you will see the tears begging to be free and I will have no
control and I will let them go.
So, no. Definitely NO EYE CONTACT.

I am now digging my fingernails into my palms.
The slight tingling pain distracts me from how
uncomfortable I am sitting here trying to
open up scars only to discover new ways to close them again.
See what she doesn’t realize is that while she is asking her next question,
I am thinking about all the things I have left undone at home

Did I lock the door when I left?
Did I leave the milk…wait did I leave the stove on?

Where were we? Yes, I’m sorry.
I’ve been diagnosed with severe anxiety, depression, and PTSD
Is there a pill that would allow me to be happy?
Something that’ll make me stop thinking that my death is around the corner,
control my anger outbursts,
all the while keeping me awake to take care of my children.

I so desperately want to be whole again
I am willing to carry all the pieces of myself to you once a week
so that we may sort through the bad that has made me who I am
and the good that will determine who I’m going to be.

Is there anything else you want to know about me?

extra, extra. read all about us

Yesterday’s news happens to be my morning headline

And my room is filled with our helvetica font

Seems an abundance of silence allows for the point to be made quickly

Leaving time for it to be made more than once

And then once more for clarity

Is this where the words go

Reality will finally greet expectation

Whatever the expectation may be

It sits quietly in the corner with no identity

Just happy to finally be here

The bathroom door opens

Here she comes

I giggled softly, how I love memories

The sunlight danced on her face and then disappeared into her eyes

How different one can look when you see them for the first time

At the front door she stood and smiled

Silence still dancing between us

Seems we were still writing our verses

And I was stuck trying to bridge the gap without falling in

Unsure of when I started moving but I ended up in front of her

Words repressed by the pressure of her lips against mine

A hello subdued with a goodbye

The lipstick stain on my lips matched that of which was on my bathroom mirror

Call me later

Two hours have gone by and still I cannot find the words…

it began as a silent love.

Squinted glares and focused sighs

Deciding what bagel to pair with my caramel macchiato is a special type of art 

Same little cafe on the corner, same time of day 

Same eye contact with the girl I’ve never met 

She drinks green tea when it is sunny 

And milk with a little coffee on the days it rains

Our glances of stolen time were always just long enough

Long enough to bring us back each day

How much can you say over a cup of unshared coffee

How many minutes of face observation equal a proper introduction

How does time fly by in your presence

But stand still outside of that little cafe on the corner

Words never left the holster of our tongues

Yet the silence we shared seemed to tell us everything we wanted to know

A silent love is a love that cannot be destroyed with words

There will be no mornings where we wonder if we said all we had to say the night before

Her heart will never be an incomplete sentence

My feelings will never be a mispronunciation 

Our hesitation of spoken words

Will be the topic of all our conversations

We stared a little longer today

Showed more teeth in my smile

Until tomorrow my silent beauty

Thank heaven for this little cafe on the corner