Tag Archives: depression

Manic Mayhem. Can you relate?

Can we talk about something?

What’s the hardest part of your manic episodes?

For me, the hardest part of my manic episodes is the transition out of them

My body picks up on it before it officially happens.
Meaning there are countless days where the smiles you see projected on the outside is nothing more than the results of an internal war.

My mind tearing itself apart, begging for a few more days of self care, light, loving others, and letting others love me.

It’s gritting my teeth at things I’ve not let bother me for the past month start to slowly make my skin crawl again.

It’s an extra 45 minutes in the bathroom trying to stop crying at the reality that I’m losing grip despite holding on with all I have.

It’s the realization that I’ve spent money on new business ventures that I most likely won’t have the will to continue by the time the items come in.

It’s the 30 day trial of this new facial routine I bought, which is actually working by the way, but knowing I’ll never finish it therefore never seeing the final results

It’s the heartbreak of knowing that my happiness is attached to a time limit that I have no control over

It’s the worry that my loved ones will think I’m a fraud, because well I guess I am.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been this shell that cares about the body it carries
I’ve been outgoing
I’ve been brave
And so how do I explain the upcoming silence, ignored texts, etc

It is starting over again and again and again
Hoping that even through the countless times you’ve seen me fall
You notice that despite it all, I’ve always gotten up again.

It’s exhausting.

What’s meant for you will always find you…

✨The universe always knows exactly what she is doing.

❌I’ve wanted to quit more in the past week, than ever before. Quit therapy, quit writing, just quit…

And then today, I got this message.

You know life is so unpredictable and there are times I think I’m doing so great and then out of thin air this dark cloud presents itself and it’s always hell to get it to disappear.

I’ve been wearing my best of smiles lately only to avoid being asked if everything is okay. Something about that damn question that gets me every time. So I just pretend and hope reality catches up

And I usually write to dump out all the feelings because I kinda suck at verbally expressing them but lately I couldn’t even bring myself to do that…

And then I got this message… and I just cried quietly to myself.

When something is meant for you, it will always find you.

It will find you in your brightest moments and your darkest corners.

It’ll celebrate your highest highs, and pick you up during your lowest lows…
✨✨
Thanks B, though you reached out to let me know how I’ve helped you-you didn’t even realize how much you were helping me. I love you 🤍
✨✨

Just keep swimming friends
Never stop writing ✍🏾

As Mental Health Awareness Month is coming to an end…

I pride myself on being an amazing mother, partner, family member, friend, human being etc.-and here’s why…

There was a point in my life where I was more angry than sad. I was sad because I was so depressed and i was angry because I truly felt like no one gave a shit. So much so that I tried to take my own life (this was years ago) and I wrote a suicide note, and turns out I kept it.
I’ll be honest I didn’t even know I kept it until I stumbled upon it yesterday digging through old journals.

And so I sat down and read it- I bawled. Y’all, I was so angry back then.
It broke my heart to read a letter I left behind for people who knew me and yet it was filled with so much anger and then there was part for Kannen and I told him that despite what anyone tried to tell him, his momma loved him.

Reading a note that was telling my son goodbye- whew, that hit different and it just…
It just really broke my heart.

My point being that as #mentalhealthawarenessmonth comes to an end, I want my family, my friends, other human beings, etc. – I just want you to know I care, I’ll always care- even when I say I don’t…I do.

I will be your vault, your shoulder to cry on, your person, your safe space-I will be what you need in the moment you need it the most.

It’s important that we remind those that we love just how much we love them.
You never know what people are going through.

I love you guys with everything I have and then some.

✨🖤✨

Photo Of The Day 4.21.21

Photo by, Candice Leigh © 2021


If I listen hard enough, I can hear the water ripple as laughter filled the air

Are these the moments you speak of?

Just keep swimming, she said

Kick with all your might

Fight like never before

And when depression holds my head under the water

I remember this day

I remember her voice

Just keep swimming, she said

Kick with all your might

Fight like never before

big girl.

Somewhere within the pages of my emails, lives a draft of a letter I wrote.

It speaks volumes of depression so loud, no one can hear the girl screaming within wanting nothing more than to be saved

It describes how my legs have grown tired of walking away from situations that leave me too battered to fight

It’s assumed that because the mass of my skin is a larger number, I am capable of upholding the heaviest of troubles

And I’d crumble under mountains of heartache before I let you hear my war cry

I’d drown in the river of my sorrows before I’d ever quench the thirst of the serpent begging to be hydrated only to defeat me

Big girls don’t cry until we are reminded that we are big girls

Love seems attainable until it’s ripped from the core of my spine causing my ribs to collapse into themselves leaving no room to take a breath—

—and now I’m suffocating looking for the same love that ditched my body to come and revive me

masked before.

i’ve been wearing masks long before the pandemic started
i have them in different designs and a few different colors
the lipstick shade of brown and red mixed together works
really well for avoiding the are you ok questions
and if i follow the curve of my lip well enough
i forget which mask im wearing

my eyes serve as walls that barricade tears
and i tend to avoid eye contact with anyone
for meeting in the middle leaves me powerless
and just like now i wear my mask to protect not only myself
but i wear them to protect you too
who knows how my words would you hostage if i let them flow freely

and on the rare days i feel safe enough to leave my mask behind
don’t worry i make sure to stay 6 feet away
far enough that the scent of depression doesn’t make anyone curious
and if by chance i cry without my mask on
i’ll be sure to bury my head into my hands
i’ll quarantine for as long as i need to
and i’ll emerge when i feel better
and maybe by that time, masks will no longer…
who I am kidding..

mask off.

and all this time the smoke screen i stood behind
you never knew existed
you held me in your arms and the smile i wore drifted
and for the first time ever, the oceans that lived in my eyes pushed out streams that flowed down my cheeks

my knees grew weak
love dressed up as a spell
and suddenly i am compelled to be nothing other than me
i am not who you think i am
is this face still worthy of you
unmasked and riddled with imperfection
and on some days, depression
now that you see me
do you see me

seven.

on monday, i retraced the steps that led you to me, and daydreamed into the night

on tuesday, the sun rose and set, all without the slightest movement from the sky

on wednesday, i found and dusted off old pictures of myself when i was young

on thursday, my depression dressed up and convinced me that when it came to friends, i had none

on friday, you held me tightly in your arms, forcing my anxiety into submission

on saturday, I stared in awe of what you are, so rare, a very limited edition

and on sunday, we sat in silence, and comforted each other’s tears, tears that fell for no other reason but to empty and make room for all that came packaged with the next seven days…

death.

Death came knocking at my door again

No, not for me

But still it came, uninvited and unwanted

Unexpected

As it had come so many times before, I knew it’s knock

A knock you never expect until it is already pounding at your doorstep

Catapulting you into a reality that no matter how many times you’ve been before, still it takes your breath away

We are on a first name basis

No formalities

Candice, you know the drill

There I stand in NOT sadness, but pure hatred

You sick son of a bitch

When will it be my turn

Why do you insist I be in your audience only to witness your disgusting performance

The screams I am begging to stay buried leave no room for grief

I am angry

I am livid

Is this your idea of grief

Is this a part of your sick and twisted humor

All emotions but the one I need

Angry because I’m guilty

Guilt that my anger leaves no room to grieve

Lonely because I refuse to be consoled

And in this toxic circle there I sit

Bargaining with death

But he’s already gone

Just as quick as he came, he left even quicker

Leaving me with nothing but our memories and the future plans we made

He didn’t come for me but I feel him all the same

p•m•s

How’d you sleep last night? •I didn’t.

Are you having any thoughts of harming yourself? •Do I strike you as an individual who would harm herself?

Do I look like I need help?

Tell me how should I dress my anxiety.

And does PTSD come in plus sizes?

Do I look like I’ve been up all night fighting a war that I never signed up to fight in?

Is my depression showing again?

It likes to hog the spotlight.

Every corner I bury myself in, no matter how deep, my depression digs it’s way out.

My best friends are the worst, though it is them who I turn to, to ensure I am alone.

My anxiety knows no one will ever love me like she does, therefore she tightens her grip when I try to speak.

There is no place that I can hide where they can not find me

And how do I fix my lips to tell them to leave me alone

How do i abandon the only two friends who have stuck by me no matter how hard I’ve tried to push them away

My depression is the sentence that I was born to serve and every time I think about trying to break free, my anxiety reminds me that no one will love me like she does

Where else will I find love that unbinds me in ways I could never explain

She keeps her hand near my mouth, in hopes I don’t say the wrong thing and when she screws up

My depression is there for damage control making sure I am hidden while I can swim in my own defeat, leaving me to drown in my own puddle of mistakes

Pardon my symptoms, they tend to speak out of turn but to answer your question…

No I don’t feel like killing myself today.