Tag Archives: death

As Mental Health Awareness Month is coming to an end…

I pride myself on being an amazing mother, partner, family member, friend, human being etc.-and here’s why…

There was a point in my life where I was more angry than sad. I was sad because I was so depressed and i was angry because I truly felt like no one gave a shit. So much so that I tried to take my own life (this was years ago) and I wrote a suicide note, and turns out I kept it.
I’ll be honest I didn’t even know I kept it until I stumbled upon it yesterday digging through old journals.

And so I sat down and read it- I bawled. Y’all, I was so angry back then.
It broke my heart to read a letter I left behind for people who knew me and yet it was filled with so much anger and then there was part for Kannen and I told him that despite what anyone tried to tell him, his momma loved him.

Reading a note that was telling my son goodbye- whew, that hit different and it just…
It just really broke my heart.

My point being that as #mentalhealthawarenessmonth comes to an end, I want my family, my friends, other human beings, etc. – I just want you to know I care, I’ll always care- even when I say I don’t…I do.

I will be your vault, your shoulder to cry on, your person, your safe space-I will be what you need in the moment you need it the most.

It’s important that we remind those that we love just how much we love them.
You never know what people are going through.

I love you guys with everything I have and then some.

✨🖤✨

Podcast Episode 3-An Angels Ascent

Recording this poem was very special to me.

I wrote, An Angels Ascent for my Godmother, Tammy Boast. She passed away this past January and because of my knee injury I was not able to travel and attend her funeral.

So in recording this, part of me went back to the day of her funeral and read her this poem. My final goodbye to her. She was such an amazing person and I feel like doing this has peacefully closed our chapter. The healing can start.

Have you ever forgotten the sound of a loved one’s voice?

While getting ready for bed last night, out of the blue, I realized something. I could not remember what my mother’s voice sounded like.

I was seven years old when my mother passed away from breast cancer.

No matter how tightly I closed my eyes and opened my ears while thinking of past memories, I heard nothing.

It was as if I was watching a black and white movie with no sound. With my eyes still closed, I smiled at my remembrance of her face.

She was so beautiful, and then she started to talk but there were no words that followed.

If you would’ve seen me you’d think I was watching a sad movie, and in a sense I was. How could I forget such a sound?

Of all the pointless things that live in my head rent free, how could her voice not be one of them?

And in a state of panic, I started to remember all of the other things I had forgotten.

What were the last things we said to each other?

Did you die knowing how much I loved you?

Did you know that I promised to always be there for Caitlyn?

You don’t have to worry.

When was the last time we cuddled?

There is no black hole big enough to fit my questions nor strong enough to catch me at the speed that I am falling.

So still is what I was.

Still is what I am.

Still hoping your voice comes to me like the cold in the night…abruptly, quickly, fast.

the longer i stare at this picture, the emptier i become. i can hear everything BUT the sound of your voice and it is a pain like i’ve never known.

An Angels Ascent

If tears must fall let them not be for granted, let them be in celebration

For my body no longer stumbles through dark valleys, there are no more complications

My soul lies in these o so green pastures, at the very top of the hill

I am where the waves no longer crash but instead where the waters are still

Let our memories dismantle your anger

Let our love console your grief

Let our laughs keep you warm at night

And that is what will bring me peace

Focus not on the battle I lost there, but on the war I won here

And though my eyes have closed, the world has never been so clear

The sky has never been so blue

The earth has never felt so soft

Think of me as the angel you’ve gained, not the loved one you lost

When you miss me call on your Father

Pour into him your overflow of me

Think not about what we missed

But be filled on what we did see

As these clouds begin to open and I begin to soar

Know that these wings carry me comfortably 

And I am in pain, no more

death.

Death came knocking at my door again

No, not for me

But still it came, uninvited and unwanted

Unexpected

As it had come so many times before, I knew it’s knock

A knock you never expect until it is already pounding at your doorstep

Catapulting you into a reality that no matter how many times you’ve been before, still it takes your breath away

We are on a first name basis

No formalities

Candice, you know the drill

There I stand in NOT sadness, but pure hatred

You sick son of a bitch

When will it be my turn

Why do you insist I be in your audience only to witness your disgusting performance

The screams I am begging to stay buried leave no room for grief

I am angry

I am livid

Is this your idea of grief

Is this a part of your sick and twisted humor

All emotions but the one I need

Angry because I’m guilty

Guilt that my anger leaves no room to grieve

Lonely because I refuse to be consoled

And in this toxic circle there I sit

Bargaining with death

But he’s already gone

Just as quick as he came, he left even quicker

Leaving me with nothing but our memories and the future plans we made

He didn’t come for me but I feel him all the same