Tag Archives: mental health

As Mental Health Awareness Month is coming to an end…

I pride myself on being an amazing mother, partner, family member, friend, human being etc.-and here’s why…

There was a point in my life where I was more angry than sad. I was sad because I was so depressed and i was angry because I truly felt like no one gave a shit. So much so that I tried to take my own life (this was years ago) and I wrote a suicide note, and turns out I kept it.
I’ll be honest I didn’t even know I kept it until I stumbled upon it yesterday digging through old journals.

And so I sat down and read it- I bawled. Y’all, I was so angry back then.
It broke my heart to read a letter I left behind for people who knew me and yet it was filled with so much anger and then there was part for Kannen and I told him that despite what anyone tried to tell him, his momma loved him.

Reading a note that was telling my son goodbye- whew, that hit different and it just…
It just really broke my heart.

My point being that as #mentalhealthawarenessmonth comes to an end, I want my family, my friends, other human beings, etc. – I just want you to know I care, I’ll always care- even when I say I don’t…I do.

I will be your vault, your shoulder to cry on, your person, your safe space-I will be what you need in the moment you need it the most.

It’s important that we remind those that we love just how much we love them.
You never know what people are going through.

I love you guys with everything I have and then some.

✨🖤✨

Day 5 Of My 2 Week Mental Institution Stay

May is Mental Health Awareness month and after coming across the journal I kept while being a resident of Compass Behavioral Health, almost three years ago, I’ve decided to share something.

I’ve never been hesitant to talk about me being in that place but I have been hesitant about talking about what went on in that place. The things I, as well as others experienced was just something I didn’t want to talk about. I used to think places like this were for the betterment of people like me-and while not everyone was horrible-I just don’t think that anymore.

This is a picture of my day 5 journal entry. ✍🏾

Here’s an excerpt,

“Speaking of writing, I was given the task of writing an inspiration quote on the whiteboard every morning. That gave me sooo much joy. Did they know I loved to write?”

I was still the new kid.
But for a moment I was on top of the world because even when I was at my lowest, people still wanted to hear what I had to say.

And I had written down quotes I thought of in preparation of writing them on the board every morning. Because ya know being prepared on a three meals a day/ forced interaction/ cigarette breaks kept me sane type schedule got me a fresh pair of socks 😉

And there was this one particular quote I created which was, “choosing to display your art even when it’s messy and colored outside the lines is such a beautiful thing to do. Replace the word “art” with “self” and I’d feel the exact same way.”

And when I went to erase it one of the other patients (who I by the way butted heads with on like my 2nd day there) asked me to wait a second and I looked down at what he was doing and why he wanted me to wait— well folks, he was writing my quote down. He wanted to remember my words.

Now he checked out of there before I did and I have no clue where he is or if he still carries around that piece of paper he wrote my words down on— BUT in that moment I told myself, “WRITING IS WHAT YOU WERE MEANT TO DO”

I’ve become okay with not being okay.
Because it is in fact okay to not be okay..
I just want people to know that when you find what you are passionate about-LET NO ONE try and convince you otherwise.
I don’t give a damn about popularity and likes and yadda yadda blah 😑
If it makes you happy, keep doing it.
People who truly love and support you will see the way you smile when you do the things you love and in return they’ll be all you ever need to just keep swimming.

Just keep swimming friends.
Until next time-keep writing ✍🏾🥀🖤

11:11

For as long as I can remember walking from my front door to yours only took ten minutes         

Not a minute more-not a minute less                                                                                           

And I’m not sure if it was stress that made my footsteps heavier                                                           

But tonight it felt like lifetimes had passed by before I even put down my phone                                      

At 11:00 you text me and you told me you were home alone                                                        

Followed by “You’ll never see me again because I’ve been sad for far too long”                                

At 11:01 I called you and then I panicked because you didn’t pick up                                                        

I left behind my shoes, keys, and jacket because when it came to time – I didn’t have enough                                

At 11:02 my neighbor shouted and asked “Is everything okay”                                                     

Thirty seconds passed as I thought out loud, “No it’s not so please get out of my way”                

My feet dug into the pavement as I had to make up for lost time                                                   

At 11:03 I thought about life without you and I damn near lost my mind                                           

I absolutely lost my breath but I knew I couldn’t stop                                                                            

At 11:04 I questioned if I’d ever make it to your house                                                            

Thank the universe my neighbor is nosy and thank God she called the cops                                           

At 11:05 I jumped in and screamed your name and directed him to go around the block                   

My friend needs our help and that’s really all I can say                                                                           

But that’s mostly because I’m out of breath from running all this way                                                      

At 11:06 he called for an ambulance still unsure of what’s going on                                                      

Can this car go any faster, we’ll be too late, and she’ll be gone                                                           

I felt my heart sink into my stomach-sounds around me got quite blurry

At 11:07 I could see your doorstep and my screams whispered “hurry”                                                            

Please break down the door! I need to get in and save her life                                                      

At 11:08 there you sat while in your hand you held a knife                                                                  

Your eyes were still open but you were barely hanging on                                                             

Time waits for no one and I knew that we did not have long                                                          

At 11:09 I grabbed your wrists and continued to hold them tight                                                                  

I looked at you and smiled then promised that I wouldn’t lose you tonight                                            

At 11:10 I woke up screaming because I can never dream past that part                             

Remembering the night I broke my promise absolutely breaks my heart                                    

Thinking of what I could have done differently                                                                                    

From beginning to the very end                                                                                                            

At 11:11 I wished once more, that I’d never have this nightmare again